When I began this post, I was 5 weeks pregnant. I won’t post it until we announce to our family and friends that we are expecting a baby.
Faith is the substance of things hoped for. The evidence of things not seen. Nearly every step we take is either taken in faith, or in fear. We shield and hedge carefully around our hearts, our homes and the people we love. If things are going “well” our natural instincts are not to mess with a good thing. Or if they’re not going well, we try not to take a step that could cause things to become worse than they already are.
We all look at life differently. Pessimists, optimists; you know which you are. You either live in fear of the future, or with a sense of hopefulness. Life can beat us up pretty badly. If that’s happened to us, we respond by either enjoying the moment well, or just embracing the misery and taking everyone else down with us.
If you know Christ, there’s good reason to hope. Solid hope founded on something true. Not just transient, fluffy, possibility hope, but something to look forward to no matter how every day here on earth goes! “They acknowledged that they were living as strangers with no permanent home on earth. Instead, these men were longing for a better country-a heavenly country. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God. He has prepared a city for them.” (Hebrews 11:14 & 16). This earth is no permanent dwelling, and thank God! Look around once with open eyes, and you will see good reason to cherish this hope!
We have three children already. Actually we have another in heaven. I carried her for 8 months. They are dear, precious children, with their own set of challenges, but each a sweet and unique blessing. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
This story starts in October of 2010. Actually, months before that. We had considered having another child before the economy went all to…well, that hot place. Then my husband lost his job, and we decided we’d better put the stops back in place. Then, he got a job. Then he lost that job along with 30 others. Then they hired him back. It’s been a wild ride the past year and half. So, there wasn’t any baby talk. Time was passing, and neither of us are babies ourselves, by normal standards. So, the hope dwindled down to an invisible and occasional leap in my heart, and I chose contentment with God’s will, and my husband’s choice, no matter what it would be. It doesn’t take much imagination to envision the challenges of having another child; in all realms of life.
My faith was to be content in the state I was in, with the children, home and husband I have. I am no saint for trusting; I am blessed with a wonderful husband and children. yet, there was a little nagging desire…for a baby. It was twinged when my son (7) would say “I want a baby brother.” Many parents don’t realize, but one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a sibling. I know all the arguments otherwise, but God says “Children are a blessing/inheritance/reward from the Lord” and He never lies.
He also says to honor and obey your husband. If you know our family, you know I am not some oppressed, mousy, opinion-less wife. I do know that God places umbrellas of authority over our lives for protection not for oppression. The authorities He’s given us are for our blessing. I don’t want to step outside of that blessing. I knew, that if He wanted this for our family, He would reveal it to my husband. My husband loves me enough that he will make every effort to give me what he knows I want. Even when the desires arose, I would often not even mention it, because I knew that I could influence him inadvertently to make a decision, and if it wasn’t from God, it wouldn’t be right.
One October night, I met him at a restaurant for dinner after he had a work event. The night before, I’d had a very low, low that I hadn’t told him about, because I didn’t want to bring him down. It wasn’t only baby related, but that was part of it (a women never wastes her tears on only one issue). In the night, I had a dream. I was holding a baby. It was someone else’s baby, but Greg was with me, and it was a moment of sweet contentment. Then in my dream he said. “We can have another one”. I was so full of joy and peace. I woke up in the morning with a renewed peace, and looked forward to my date with him that evening. So, there we were at the restaurant. He brought it up; “I keep asking myself if we should have another one” he said “I do too” I said calmly
“If it keeps coming up, it’s not been put to rest, and there’s a reason for that. It doesn’t make sense.” he said (he’s a very sensible person) “I ask myself is it a lack of trust in God on my part? Is it something we should put in His hands again?”
I have a friend who had her tubes tied. She said it was an act of faith. If God wanted her to have another child, nothing would stop it from happening. I have friends who believe birth control is sin, because it’s “wresting control” from the hands of God. I am not ignorant of the opinions on every realm of the spectrum, but I choose my point of view in light of God’s Word, and what I believe He has uniquely purposed for me. He didn’t make us from a cookie cutter form, and neither is the blueprint for each of our lives. He is a God of order, and balance. He hung the world in space and knew the future of every human who would exist; before time even began. I know He is worthy of my faith and trust. Yet, seeking, knowing and understanding His will is not always a simple thing.
My sensible husband looked across the restaurant table into my eyes, and took my hands. “I’ll be honest, I’m scared to death, but if you want, we can try” he said.
Kairos – Time. Stood. Still.
I usually keep my emotions under wraps, like an orderly, obedient army. But, I cried a little and said “Really!? You’re not just saying that to make me happy, are you?” He reiterated that it was a decision made with trepidation and far from being in his comfort zone. Yet, he believed if God purposed another child for our family, it would happen.
God is able to give a peace beyond understanding. A peace that allows you to endure and even thrive while uncertain about what may or may not happen. It is because He holds us in the palm of His hand, and knows our name. Every time my heart beats, He knows. And I believe when it skips a beat with excitement, He is usually the cause.
It was October 26th when we had that date. On January 4th, I took my first pregnancy test. Two tentative lines showed up, but my heart was leaping for joy. Greg was at work and I couldn’t tell him over the phone. My 3 year old Grace came in. I couldn’t tell her, because it wasn’t time to share yet, but I said to her; “Grace, do you love babies?” (she adores them). “I want to have a real baby that we can keep forever and ever.” Good thing she didn’t have a feather to push me over with! I told her if she wanted one, she would need to pray and ask God for one. She did and I prayed with her. “from the mouths of babes, you have ordained praise…”
Well, I accidentally left the bag with 2 unused tests in the box in the bathroom, and my 10 year old found them. I was in my room, putting on makeup. She walked in and casually said; “I wish you would have a baby.” I nearly poked my eye out with the mascara. “WHAT?!!! Where did that come from?” I asked. She finally admitted that she’d seen the tests on the counter. Chalk one up to pregnancy brain! Once she said that, I couldn’t deny it, and so she was in on the secret even before her daddy found out. It has been precious and joyful to share it with her, and teach her about pregnancy health and diet, as well as the science behind it.
Tonight, January 10th, Greg and I were sitting at the table after playing Yahtzee as a family. The kids were getting ready for bed. My 7 year old son stuck his head around the doorway and said “I want a baby brother.” It’s been months since he’s said that. Greg just shook his head and laughed. “Where did that come from?” he asked. Then he said “It’s from God.”
It is March 12th. We have made the news public. Each day is a chance to trust God. he has never failed us, and we know He walks before us and makes the path of our future straight as we trust Him.
Thank you for reading this story. I so long for each one to know God and have the joy of never being alone. It is a precious gift!
When I was staying in England at Labri, there was an old lady who lived across the street from the Manor House named Phil Matthews (I don’t know how she got a boys name). She had been a friend and fellow missionary associate of Amy Carmichael. I knew of Amy Carmichael because in addition to daily Bible reading, my mother often encouraged me to read biographies of great Christians and learn their stories. Amy was a women who was completely devoted to the Lord. She had learned to “Crucify her flesh” and give up her own desires for God’s desires. I had read the story of her journey. She was a very strong willed and creative girl and woman and this was not an easy road for her to take. However, she gained for more in eternal things as she daily gave her life for Christ. There is much to be learned from her life.
I recently watched the classic movie “Gone With the Wind” again. It has been years since I saw the movie in it’s entirety and this time I watched it over two days. My 8 year old was studying Civil War in history and a teacher friend loaned it to us as a supplement to that.
Beauty - Women Only 